Thursday, March 22, 2007

As you may have heard...

Your humble blogger is incapacitated yet again because of this leg. Blood clots - the same problem that prompted my grandfather and yours to wear long, tight-fitting stockings and take rat poison - have taken a hold, dear brothers.

In lovable Johnson fashion, the Kacey spin-machine intended to post a list of 5 optimistic points that made the last two weeks worthwhile.

That blog was never published.

In her absence, I give you:

5 reasons why there are no redeeming qualities to blood clots

1. The compression stocking that the doctor requires me to wear (and that must be put on using green rubber dishwashing gloves, mind you) does not come in fishnet, only in "nude" - a color that I've always been a little sceptical of

2. The collection of food particles in the cracks of our sofa has an additional two weeks to accumulate, thereby virtually guaranteeing that I'll never get what I paid for the damn things (even though we got them at quite a bargain, thanks jeffster)

3. Even the 85 year-old swiss grandmother downstairs looks on with pity when I pass in the hallway

4. Billy Blanks has yet to invent a "Tae Bo: SofaBoxing!" or "Bedridden Bootcamp" DVD (though, this title looks promising)

5. I now have an internet bookmark for the Deep-vein Thrombosis blog (known among insiders as the DVTDiary) and review it periodically for insights to my condition. A taste of what's offered:

Compression Stocking Review Round-Up (to date)


Comfort
Appearance
Effectiveness
Overall Grade
Comments

Jobst Knee High 20-30 (open, natural color)

A-
B-
A
A-
Looks therapeutic. Open toe big comfort advantage.
Jobst Knee High 20-30 (closed, black)
B
B+
A
B+
Looks like regular black opaque knee high.
Jobst Thigh High 20-30 (closed, black)
B-
B+
A-
B
Weak silicon band - lots of pulling up. Looks like regular tight.
Mediven Thigh High 18-20 (closed, natural)
A-
B
A-
B+
Very effective silicon band; somewhat "therapeutic" appearance









Though, I must admit, I'm a little disappointed they didn't review a new, but exciting entrant into the compression stocking field: Milton Berle's signature stocking called the "It's a Clotted, Clotted, Clotted, Clotted Leg" a price-sensitive mid-thigh, closed-toe compression stocking. Definitely an A+.


Here are a few other "signature series" stockings that I've recently found on the net. Enjoy!


1. The Orson (Feel like an auteur! This limited-edition waist high compression stocking is featured in the color noir and includes a "tummy control" feature guaranteed to hide that unsightly weight gain!)



2. The Estelle (A classic knee-high compression stocking as worn by Sophia (Estelle Getty) on the Golden Girls. Perfect when you are stepping out for that late night cheesecake or harrassing the over-aged hussies in your own retirement community!)


3. The Barker (Fortunately, you don't have to be spayed or neutered to enjoy this discount mid-thigh compression stocking, any way you look at it, The Price is Right!)



4. The Matlock (Still not sure how you got deep-vein thrombosis? Solve the mystery in style with this folksy, yet cantankerous full-length compression stocking. Whether you are relaxing on your favorite rocking chair or selling the jury on a little down-home wisdom, it's guaranteed not to slip!)

2 comments:

JTB said...

who is that said: "everyday is a winding road...and i get little closer to feeling fine"?

Anonymous said...

Es tut mir leit...und ich gab die Wochenende einziehende Torte zu deiner Frau aus...hmmmmmmm